epic: suicidal thoughts--this is a jeremy whine-o-rama, and stream of consciousness

are healthy, according to my mother. she says, "as long as you're thinking about killing yourself, you're okay." this is really refreshing. she also thinks that it's normal to contemplate doing yourself in on a daily basis, at the very least. i'm really not feeling too keen on anything right now. this job is getting me down. i'm not playing rock shows. i'm stagnant on my home recordings since the four track ate shit. i really wanted to leave the house today, but i just couldn't rationalize it.

i miss my stupid cat.

the best part of the suicide thoughts is that i have enough pills to do it right. my mother is great for advice on how to do yourself in. every day is a choice: "do i die, or go through this shit...again?" this is my new morning mood, and so far, i have too much going on to do it.

although today, i didn't have anything happening.

today, i spent much of the day cleaning house--i totally left town with the house as a disaster area. there's still work to do--this is a process, i decided, after 3 hours. it's time to re-arrange the furniture. i also spent some time trying to figure out wtf happened to my music files. agonizing about ID3 tags is stupid. this is a process too--i'll have to fix shit as i feel like it. it really only affects the winamp playlist integrity on this page.

i read over 30 emails from my grandmother. that woman has way too much time on her hands, and cannot spell. still, it's very cool to get email from grammy sammy. it's heart-wrenching to think about her death, which i have been thinking about a lot lately, since other peoples' grandmothers have passed. i really can't fathom what my friends must feel. i wish that i could say or do something, but i have no idea what is appropriate.

i've managed to avoid dealing with the dead relatives thing via avoidance so far. i'm sure that all of my bottled up emotions about them will come out someday. dead pets are the closest that i've gotten, and that really tears me up.

i still miss my bozzer.

is it entirely lame that i'm digging beastie boys tonight?

the old guy turned 75 on tuesday. what does it feel like to live that long? i'll ask him tomorrow.

i think that i'm going to a rock show tomorrow night. i need a fix in a bad bad way, since i didn't get my therapy (rock) this week. The Psychedelic Experience

i listened to audiobooks on the ipod this week. i really don't feel like i've benefitted from "reading" the books, though. it's not the same, even if the information is conveyed. this week's books were: "the age of spiritual machines", "The Psychedelic Experience", and, "the art of happiness". i also immersed myself in some experimental music that only served to bum me out because my so-called new ideas have been done already. i had no idea that other fools were dreaming up this shit. it's refreshing that i'm not alone, but frustrating that they have published already.

next week, i'm at the deer trail facility, so i'll probably listen to some more books en route. tuesday is "ask a gyno" day, though, so i can't miss that. i also cannot miss "commando thursday." i'm a total pervert. i'm all about reading up on the sex stuff. it's too bad that i have no use for it, practically.

i'm working on a "new sound" on bass. one that's monsterous, but defined. i hate to admit it, but i might require a compressor to pull this off. conceptually, i get it, but the ampeg rig is not feelin' it. essentially, i'm going for a huge, distorted attack tuba sound with mellow feedback. that probably doesn't make any sense to anyone who's still reading this utter nonsense. the idea is to get that picked bass attack, with a sustained finish. sort of big black atomizer meets abbey road. might have to switch to flatwounds, which is an agonizing thought to me.

i have not shaved my face in two weeks, and it's driving me up the wall.